Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mammy's Wild Kingdom...

OMG!!!!! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! I want to scrub the skin off of my body. Just for the record, I now HATE peaceful early morning earth mother time. BLECH!!! I was up early this morning (7:30! A.M!) and thought that I'd try and be useful, a proper earth mother sort hanging the laundry out to dry, barefoot in the backyard (well, wearing sandals actually, morning dew is rather cold and wet...) whilst the tiny one snoozed on the picnic table and the snot queen played earth child in the dirt (or pushed her imitation graco around the garden, whatever)

Being the big, brave girl I now am (I caught and released a wasp yesterday! Round of applause please. It only took fifteen minutes, one small panic attack and no more then three bloodcurdling screams of pure terror.) I swiftly ran the broom over the line to remove cobwebs and then set about hanging the clothes.

That's when I saw them.

They coated the line for about an inch and a half or so, several hundred, tiny, round, SPIDER EGGS!!!! BLECH!!!! AAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Once I finished my obligatory "dance of disgust" (For the uninitiated, this involves a lot of hopping about and waving of arms with loads of creative sound effects to signify disgust) I considered my options.

1. Get tissue from the bathroom, wipe off eggs and flush them down the toilet.

2. Leave the backyard immediately. Lock the door and never step foot out there again. Consider clothes a sacrifice to the spider god.

3. Move.

Well, as tempting as numbers 2 and 3 were, I unfortunately love my house and the backyard is our amazing "No Cry/Anti Tantrum" Zone. Any tantrum, no matter how big, can be stopped by throwing the snot queen out back. It's like magic. Only better.

After a slightly longer and more involved "Dance of Disgust" I managed to rid the clothes line of the little unhatched beasties (eeeeeeeewwwww) my skin is actually crawling at the memory.

Patting myself on the back, I returned to the scene only to find the Snot Queen about to pick up what had to be the world's largest slug.


Whisking her under one arm, I grabbed the tiny one with the other and retreated to the inside.

Backyard time officially over for the morning.

P.S did I mention that our landlord paid a visit yesterday? While he was here, he rid the house of yet another MASSIVE spider and regalled me with tales of the SUPER COLONY of ants which used to reside outside our Utility Room Window and had to be BLASTED out. A veritable city of them, stretching waaaaaay underground.

I'm feeling weak.

Where the F@£k am I living?

Sometimes, I really miss the city.


  1. Such a heroic win against the spiders! Well done!

    Tania (via SITS)

  2. that was hysterical! everyone in our house (all women except the hubby) HATES bugs! we have daily fights with "flies" and sometimes we are happy to report we have successful battles but usually ending with a splat on the newly painted wall... uhhh but not so sure the city is any better a good friend of mine lived in dc and used to use his lacross stick to "shuck" out the HUGE rats daily... so i guess gotta pick our battles LOL.. have a great day. i have 2 new posts today on each of my blogs stop by if you can and say "hi!"
    smiles, (with bugspray in hand!)
    shelley (from sits)

  3. Ooooh I just shuddered for you!!

    I had a GRASSHOPPER on my LEG yesterday - I squealed like a girl. I thought it was some huge green tropical spider that was going to bite me, froze in terror (while holding baby!!), made the daddy come in & catch it. How the hell did a grasshopper get in my house? I have no idea.

  4. Stopping by from SITS to say hi! I have a very similar dance of disgust when I see the creepy crawlie grossies my yard too! This post made me giggle out loud!

  5. Don't worry dear. It gets better with time. Believe me I know.

  6. Oh yuck!

    Definitely time to get inside.

    I grew up in the country, but I'm happily becoming a city girl (or a suburb girl at least - whatever).

  7. Spiders are the worst. There was a HUGE one in our house a few weeks ago, needless to say the next morning I called the exterminater.
    Awesome blog! (from SITS)