Mammy's Wild Kingdom...

OMG!!!!! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! I want to scrub the skin off of my body. Just for the record, I now HATE peaceful early morning earth mother time. BLECH!!! I was up early this morning (7:30! A.M!) and thought that I'd try and be useful, a proper earth mother sort hanging the laundry out to dry, barefoot in the backyard (well, wearing sandals actually, morning dew is rather cold and wet...) whilst the tiny one snoozed on the picnic table and the snot queen played earth child in the dirt (or pushed her imitation graco around the garden, whatever)

Being the big, brave girl I now am (I caught and released a wasp yesterday! Round of applause please. It only took fifteen minutes, one small panic attack and no more then three bloodcurdling screams of pure terror.) I swiftly ran the broom over the line to remove cobwebs and then set about hanging the clothes.

That's when I saw them.

They coated the line for about an inch and a half or so, several hundred, tiny, round, SPIDER EGGS!!!! BLECH!!!! AAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Once I finished my obligatory "dance of disgust" (For the uninitiated, this involves a lot of hopping about and waving of arms with loads of creative sound effects to signify disgust) I considered my options.

1. Get tissue from the bathroom, wipe off eggs and flush them down the toilet.

2. Leave the backyard immediately. Lock the door and never step foot out there again. Consider clothes a sacrifice to the spider god.

3. Move.

Well, as tempting as numbers 2 and 3 were, I unfortunately love my house and the backyard is our amazing "No Cry/Anti Tantrum" Zone. Any tantrum, no matter how big, can be stopped by throwing the snot queen out back. It's like magic. Only better.

After a slightly longer and more involved "Dance of Disgust" I managed to rid the clothes line of the little unhatched beasties (eeeeeeeewwwww) my skin is actually crawling at the memory.

Patting myself on the back, I returned to the scene only to find the Snot Queen about to pick up what had to be the world's largest slug.

Right.

Whisking her under one arm, I grabbed the tiny one with the other and retreated to the inside.

Backyard time officially over for the morning.

P.S did I mention that our landlord paid a visit yesterday? While he was here, he rid the house of yet another MASSIVE spider and regalled me with tales of the SUPER COLONY of ants which used to reside outside our Utility Room Window and had to be BLASTED out. A veritable city of them, stretching waaaaaay underground.

I'm feeling weak.


Where the F@£k am I living?

Sometimes, I really miss the city.