How I Spent my Weekend Off

I meant to be productive, I really did. I mean hey, it was my first weekend off since the Snot Queen was born and I had LOADS to get done! For starters, there were the 2000 words of scintillating brilliance I'd meant to write, thus getting me yet another step closer to setting the literary world on fire and ensuring that should worse come to worse and himself's contract not get renewed, we'd still be able to live in our dream house and not be forced to sell our kidneys on the black market.

There were also any number of small jobs I've been meaning to get around to since we've moved in (I believe I've mentioned the hygiene standards or lack thereof of the previous tenants...) There were walls to wash, ceilings to vacuum and an incredible collection of crisp packets, sweet wrappers and other miscellanaeous pieces of filth to be removed from under one of the beds (a job which frightens me to be honest.)

Instead, my weekend went a little something like this:

Day One: Saturday

2:00 pm FREEDOM BEGINS!!!!! After several hours of gentle coaxing , two men and a baby finally get on the move leaving mama bear to begin her weekend of solitary splendour.

2:01 Mama bear is slightly miffed at the lack of tears and seperation anxiety shown by the small one at what for all she knows is the start of a new life WITHOUT ME!!!!!

2:02 Think about starting work... Decide that a break is in order first and settle in to watch some really bad (yet oh so good!) American sitcoms.

Later....

Hmmmmm..... haven't I already seen that episode of scrubs? Change channel. Hmmm... This episode of two and a half men is looking strangely familiar...

It's Definitely time to get to work now.

Mmmmmm...maybe a small snooze first.

Much Later......

Oh Crap! It's 6:00pm and aside from throwing a few clothes in the wash, I've done NOTHING!!!! Should really be working on masterpiece... I'm kind of hungry though. Can't write masterpiece on an empty stomach!

Hmmm... Not in mood to do dishes. Must find food that requires little to no clean up.

6:15pm Settle in to meal of cheerios and frozen lasagne straight from the box (cooked obviously!)

6:30 Think once again about setting to work. Notice lawn is looking a little wild (re: There could be cougars slinking through it and I wouldn't be able to see them...) Think back to activities earlier in the week involving me and the neighbor's blue bin. Dumpster diving + Raggedy Lawn = “That Family” you know, the ones with the snotty nosed children and the stills out back of the house.

Must save family's honour. Book will have to wait.


8:00 Front yard finished, not too bad, a little rough in places but overall, not bad for a giant pregnant lady!

8:30 Have earned a rest. Return to Couch to discover if Britain's really got talent or just a lot of odd folk with a strange need for public humiliation. During Commercial breaks, hang clothes to dry.

Enter TV time warp.

1:00am After waaaaaaaay to much television and many, many snack size Flake bars (mmm.... tiny baby made me do it!) I stumble off to bed. On the bright side, did get a little work done when programming options dwindled to “Sexcetera” and “Porn Week 2” Miss family. Worry about robbers coming and stealing me in the night. Lock bedroom door.

4:40am wake to pee. Worry some more about robbers. Devise fool proof plan whereby should bad guys start to beat down bedroom door I run into en suite and lock myself in and call police straight away.

5:00am return to sleep

10:00 OMG!!!!! Is it seriously double digit time?!?!?!? WTF?!?!? Haven't slept like that in AGES!!!!! Feel like a new woman! Can conquer world!!!!! Must pee first however.

And eat breakfast. More Cheerios!

11:00am Put in new load of clothes to wash

!2:00 Call Mom for North American Mother's day.

1:00pm Hang out Clothes to dry. Settle in to work... Check emails, blog, etc... Oooooh! Friend from Australia online!!!!!

Even more time passes...

Much Later... Maybe just one episode of Scrubs....

Re-enter TV Time warp.

Fall Asleep.

4:30 Consider running to shop for more meals requiring no clean up.... I worry that shops may close early as it's Sunday. Dilemna...

4:45 Recieve Invite for coffee. Dilemna solved! Going for coffee then will check if shops are open.

6:30 Return home full of coffee, gossip and with two bags of shopping. Make another “meal from a box” and devour more snack size flake bars. Am starting to feel very much like a young, male student.

I decide to watch just one more show and then set down to work...

mmmmm.... weekend off very relaxing. Must make it a regular occurence... Eat more cheerios. Give house a quick tidy, take in clothes shut off devil box that is tv and.....

8:30 FINALLY settle in to work!!!!! Juices flowing! Words flowing like water!!!! I can feel the spirit move me (or else just giant sugar rush from overdose on mini flake bars...)

8:55 Hear motors in the driveway. FAMILY ARE HOME!!!!!! Run outside, grab Snot Queen for Joyous reunion, kiss himself hello and return indoors to hear all about their weekend.

Turn off computer. How can I be expected to work when I haven't seen my babies in over 24 hours?

9:00pm Life returns to normal.