Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Confessions of a One Time B List Movie Star...

My blog has been looking a little malnourished lately. I don't know why. I'm sure that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I've had to redefine my definition of "Good Night Sleep" to include "Night's where I only have to switch beds three times or less."

It probably doesn't have anything to do either with the fact that the not so tiny one (at eight months old she is weighing in at a hefty 23 lbs) likes to scream the house down every time I try and do anything that does not involve making her the center of my world. And the Screaming? It's not crying screaming, it's "giving out screaming." She also screams when she's happy, she screams when she's getting a bum change and she screams when her sister screams (a new favourite game of theirs.) It's her default setting. We've re-christened her, "The Loud One."

Therefore, I decided that this morning, come hell or high water (or screaming children with nasty nappies) I would blog, and not only would I blog, but I would blog about ME. Not my babies (the last two paragraphs don't count) not sleep, but ME.

So here goes... Ten things you've been BURNING to know about Moi.

10. I have a "thing" about fingernails. I used to work in a jewelery store where ridiculously rich women with ridiculously big hair, came in to buy ridiculously priced jewelry. One fine summer's day, one of these charming specimen's came in and started trying on several of our gold rings. She had what could only be described as dragon nails. Long, red talons that curled at the ends and looked as though one good swipe couldeasily take out an eye. Gross, but nothing I hadn't seen before. Then she turned over her hand to check a price tag and I almost vomited on the spot. The underside of each of her blood red talons was caked with, thick, black dirt. Seriously, this woman had apparently never heard of, much less used, a nail brush, or for that matter anything to gouge the disease infested crud from under her claws.

Since that day, anything to do with fingernails has made me just a little bit queasy...

9. I hate housekeeping. Which is unfortunate on several levels; First being that I do not function well in a cluttered environment and so cannot relax until the house is tidied from top to bottom. Secondly, I have small children which means that as quick as I can fold and put away the laundry, all the books have been pulled from the shelves and somewhere in the distance is the sound of a drawer being emptied. It's a vicious cycle.

8. I am just a wee bit competitive (and a tiny bit impatient.) When the snot queen was 9 months old and still not crawling, I rigged her up in a harness and put water bottles under her belly to "encourage" her. It didn't work.

7. When I was thirteen years old, I used to steal romance novels from the public library and hide them out back, buried under the big rock and wrapped in a plastic bag for protection so I could read all the really smutty parts without being discovered. I used to dog ear any page that made reference to tingling nipples, surging members or hot, moist, places. I had friends who did the same and we'd pass books back and forth like pervy trading cards. I almost wet myself when I discovered V.C Andrews a.k.a "All of my books involve incest on some level."

6. I once starred in a b-list independent, horror flick. I was chosen not for my raw, shining talent, but my ability to fill out a red, vinyl catsuit.

5. I HATE spiders! Except hate isn't really the right word as I've no problem with spiders themselves, it's just coming across them in my house that I can't stand (or on my clothesline...) Even at that, I can handle the small ones, but tend to go into some sort of cardiac failure when presented with one of those big, black crunchy looking specimens with the thick looking legs and visible hairs (shudder)...

4. As much as I know that TV is a terrible, terrible TERRIBLE thing and that it kills off a billion brain cells a minute, I loooooooooooove trash TV. Last night was like some sort of bonus outpouring of fabulous filth for the mind as I watched a special on kiddie pageant queens all grown up on 3e followed by Canada's Next Top Model on Livingit which clashed with America's Next Top Model on Living1 (thankfully I'd already seen that one!) and the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which I flicked over to every now and again. I'm also a huge fan of those extreme weight loss shows like the "Biggest Loser" and the Irish Equivalent "Operation Transformation."

3. I'm really flexible. I can lie on my stomach and pull my feet over my head to touch my nose.

2. I am pretty crap at bedtime routines and tend to feel extremely inferior to parents whose children are in bed at 7:30 on the nose without fail, every night. It doesn't matter how shit of a parent you are in other respects. If you can get your child to bed at a decent hour on a regular basis and enjoy a few hours of "grown up" time each night, you are obviously a better human being then I am.

1. I'm a big believer in laughter, excercise, fresh air and good nutrition. There's not much they can't cure between them :-)


  1. 1. Ew about that woman's fingernails - my god I would be scarred for LIFE.

    2. I totally used to steal romance novels from the library. We had a system called 'honour bound' books where you were on your honour to return them to library in 3 weeks. I also once stole a book in 4th grade about the California Missions. Not my finest hour and quit frankly a terrible book. I have also read all the 'old' VC Andrews novels.

    3. Did you once post a link to that horror movie? I feel like I have seen a pic of you in that catsuit.

    Great post M!

  2. Fell around laughing at 8, I can just picture herself rolling along on water bottles. Great 10 things. Hope you manage to catch up on sleep soon, I have a teething little miss here, its no joke!! Jen.

  3. Arty: I did indeed once post a link to that pic :) I think it was to remind myself that I didn't always permanently look like a "before" pic.

    I remember being so distressed when they introduced barcoding and security gates at the library! Because of people like ourselves of course :)

    Jen; I feel your pain. We should start a club, somewhere for tired mammies of teething babies to hang out at 3 in the morning.

  4. Those fingernails sound gross. Love the idea of Snot Queen being rolled around the floor. Great ten. x

  5. I'm with you on all of the above bar numbers 8 and 3! Right, now I'm off to watch a double whammy of Glee...

  6. So come on then, what's the name of the movie and where's the YouTube clip?!!!

  7. I have to see this and I second Hot Cross mom re - 6. I once starred in a b-list independent, horror flick. I was chosen not for my raw, shining talent, but my ability to fill out a red, vinyl catsuit.

    Come on don't be shy? what exactly did you have to ahem, perform in this cat suit exactly?

    By the way...I have no bedtime routine and no me time, which is why as it approaches midnight I finally get around to reading some blogs.

    Love that list now when I find a spare second might do something similar.

  8. I love you in that cat suit!! Mary Magnum - ROWRRRR!!!!!

  9. No tension just relax guy's. Watch latest movies and trailers in Satellite TV,

  10. Here's the link to my big introductory scene :)

  11. and the following link to prove that the previous scene did not suddenly turn into a soft core porn show!

    Holy god! How did I ever think I was fat?!?!?!?!?

  12. So when's the re-release date for the movie?

    Seriously, love the quirky list. I am very short sighted so tend to ignore my fingernails and worse still, those of my kids, until they scratch me anyway. I have also been that woman who throws up after disposing of 'crunchy' spiders. Also watch non-improving telly such as (dare I admit it) Dr Who and Glee, obviously.

    Can we have ten more when you have time please?

  13. Okay, just your description of those fingernails alone about made me puke all over my keyboard. Ummmm....gross!!!! And your list is awesome from head to toe. You are hilarious and fun. I wish I lived near you and not across the ocean so we could hang out.

  14. OH I'm so glad I found you. The fingers nails thing made me lol. What a great blog. Looking forward to more

  15. I KNOW I commented on this post. Damn you blogger!!

    Loved the list. More!!