Calling all Mommas! Calling all Mommas! Has your patience been tried to the limit? Are you down to your last frayed nerve? Does the sound of your children's cat like squalling make you want to peel off your skin and run far, far away? Do you almost choke with the effort it takes not to stand in the middle of the kitchen and scream back as loud as you possibly can at them until their hair blows back with the force of your rage and frustration?
Well! Suffer no more! Because we here at Sanity Saverz have heard your (stifled) cries and now present to you "The Mommy Box." Yes folks! The makers of "Swifty Safety the Sanity Slide" have done it again! No more screaming into pillows as your little demon spawn wake you up for the 415th time that night! No more biting your tongue while the orange juice/milk/water spills from the table to the floor! No more hyperventilating as you try that "no fail" deep breathing technique you learned at parenting class while your toddler screams blue murder because... well, god only knows why! She's a toddler! SHE DOESN'T NEED A REASON!!!!!
"The Mommy Box" with it's patented "Rage Release" system, is the answer to your prayers. Made from light weight spastic titanium and roughly the size and shape of a 500ml container of milk, "The Mommy Box" is 100% soundproof so you can scream your heart out and swear a blue streak and those little innocent ears will be none the wiser!
Call now, and we'll throw in the "Calm Mommy" atomizer which fits into the base of the "Mommy box" and releases a potent narcotic every time the lid is opened! Your kids can scream the house down and you won't give a rat's arse!
The "Mommy Box" Because a happy Mommy is a Happy baby!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Just a thought...
A B C D E F Gee
2 little eyes are fighting sleep
H I J
shhhhh it's Oh K
It's time to drift off
It's been a long day
Twinkle twinkle little star
L M N O P Q Are
you sleeping yet my tiny one
who counts to trees
and thinks it fun
to reach her arms up
oh so high
like a diamond in the sky
and when she's worn
she'll turn to me
and I will sing her A B C's
Good night sleep tight
my tiny one
and sleep so sweet till morning comes.
2 little eyes are fighting sleep
H I J
shhhhh it's Oh K
It's time to drift off
It's been a long day
Twinkle twinkle little star
L M N O P Q Are
you sleeping yet my tiny one
who counts to trees
and thinks it fun
to reach her arms up
oh so high
like a diamond in the sky
and when she's worn
she'll turn to me
and I will sing her A B C's
Good night sleep tight
my tiny one
and sleep so sweet till morning comes.
Nominations!
Well! Here's something to brighten my day. A great big, heartfelt thank you to Looking for Blue Sky for nominating me for an Irish Blog Award! From the tips of my toenails to the ends of my hair, thank you. You may have just bought the Snot Queen a stay of execution :) If you would like to learn more about the Blog Awards, you can either click here and go directly to their site, or else you can go here (which I highly recommend you do) and check out a bit of Blue Sky on this grey old day :)
Still More Early Morning Ramblings...
It's 5:23 in the morning. It's been just over 3 hours since the Snot Queen decided that enough was enough with all this sleep malarkey and declared herself open for business.
The fact that she is still playing merrily away and completely oblivious to the twitching pile of simmering rage that is currently masquerading as her mother is a testament to my ever stretched patience.
I am within sniffing distance of a complete and utter mental breakdown.
Which brings me to my latest batch of early morning offerings. And so, without further adieu, I present to you "Things that are cute in the daytime but not so much at 2:30/3:30/anytime when common decency decrees I should be sleeping and the Snot Queen deems otherwise..."
Cute: The Snot Queen's latest talent for belting out the alphabet (minus a letter or twenty.)
Not So Cute? Any concerts which occur in the middle of the night with the small one sleeping just a few feet away.
Cute: When she screams out a stream of unintelligible gibberish and then breaks into hysterical laughter as though she's just told the funniest joke EVER!
Not so Cute? When she screams out said stream of unintelligible gibberish and hysterical laughter, right into your ear as you rock yourself back and forth and wait for sleep, death or madness to claim you. Whatever comes first.
Cute: When she points out her eyes, ears, mouth, nose, shoulders and belly to you.
Not so cute? When you return to the bedroom after a quick sanity break to find her pointing out said features on her (miraculously) still sleeping sister.
Cute: The way she considers doing what I ask her and then says no and giggles helplessly.
Not so cute? When what I'm asking her is to please just GO TO SLEEP BEFORE THE RED HAZE DESCENDS AGAIN AND YOU BECOME WELL AQUAINTD WITH THE FRONT LAWN!!!!!!!
Cute: Pretty much anything she does these days!
Not so cute? Anything she does between the hours of midnight and the alarm going off.
Night! (or should I say Morning?)
The fact that she is still playing merrily away and completely oblivious to the twitching pile of simmering rage that is currently masquerading as her mother is a testament to my ever stretched patience.
I am within sniffing distance of a complete and utter mental breakdown.
Which brings me to my latest batch of early morning offerings. And so, without further adieu, I present to you "Things that are cute in the daytime but not so much at 2:30/3:30/anytime when common decency decrees I should be sleeping and the Snot Queen deems otherwise..."
Cute: The Snot Queen's latest talent for belting out the alphabet (minus a letter or twenty.)
Not So Cute? Any concerts which occur in the middle of the night with the small one sleeping just a few feet away.
Cute: When she screams out a stream of unintelligible gibberish and then breaks into hysterical laughter as though she's just told the funniest joke EVER!
Not so Cute? When she screams out said stream of unintelligible gibberish and hysterical laughter, right into your ear as you rock yourself back and forth and wait for sleep, death or madness to claim you. Whatever comes first.
Cute: When she points out her eyes, ears, mouth, nose, shoulders and belly to you.
Not so cute? When you return to the bedroom after a quick sanity break to find her pointing out said features on her (miraculously) still sleeping sister.
Cute: The way she considers doing what I ask her and then says no and giggles helplessly.
Not so cute? When what I'm asking her is to please just GO TO SLEEP BEFORE THE RED HAZE DESCENDS AGAIN AND YOU BECOME WELL AQUAINTD WITH THE FRONT LAWN!!!!!!!
Cute: Pretty much anything she does these days!
Not so cute? Anything she does between the hours of midnight and the alarm going off.
Night! (or should I say Morning?)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Out the window they go!
Calling all mums! Calling all mums! Are you sick of being driven crazy by babies who just won't nap and who insist on waking up at all hours of the night, to the point that you just want to throw them out the window BUT YOU CAN'T???????
Well, suffer no more because there IS a solution! Allow me to introduce (drumroll please...) "SWIFTY SAFETY THE SANITY SLIDE!!!"
Imagine if you will the inflatable slide used on most aircraft as an emergency exit and featured quite prominently in the safety brochure in the seat pocket in front of you. Now, take that slide and encase it in an inflatable tube made of high grade plastic. Next, affix the enclosed blow up mattress to the bottom.
Finally, attach the now completed slide to the necessary window. You are now ready to "Swiftly" and "Safely" bung your child out of any window you like without fear of legal, social or moral repercussions!
"Swifty Safety the Sanity Slide" Fun for parents AND children!
Well, suffer no more because there IS a solution! Allow me to introduce (drumroll please...) "SWIFTY SAFETY THE SANITY SLIDE!!!"
Imagine if you will the inflatable slide used on most aircraft as an emergency exit and featured quite prominently in the safety brochure in the seat pocket in front of you. Now, take that slide and encase it in an inflatable tube made of high grade plastic. Next, affix the enclosed blow up mattress to the bottom.
Finally, attach the now completed slide to the necessary window. You are now ready to "Swiftly" and "Safely" bung your child out of any window you like without fear of legal, social or moral repercussions!
"Swifty Safety the Sanity Slide" Fun for parents AND children!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
If you don't laugh, You'll cry...
"Top Ten "Laugh or Cry' moments of my morning thus far"
10. Watching my daughter pull out all the wipes from the packet at 5:30 in the morning and wondering exactly how many times I can stuff them back in before it officially becomes "Disgustingly Unhygienic."
9. Taking away the wipes only to turn around and find her feeding sock raisins (yes, these would be raisins from the bottom of her sock) to her 7 month old sister.
8. Watching the Snot Queen wander about the kitchen with the "nice" i.e "not plastic" wine glasses and having a brief moment of "Oh well... if it makes her happy..." before coming to my senses and whisking them off of her, thus enduring the inevitable "BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE DANGEROUS THINGS!!!!!" Tantrum that follows.
7. Realizing that I did not in fact manage to put back all of the wipes and that the 2 year old is now feeding it to / vigorously cleaning her little sister.
6. Deciding to turn on the "In case of Emergency/mommy is waaaaaay too tired to deal with this" children's television - only to discover that it will not be on air for another 2 hours because 4am is still THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIPPIN' NIGHT!!!!!
5. Compromising with the Snot Queen that while the "Glass Jars/Fancy Wine Glass" cupboard is now off limits, the dry goods cupboard is not.
4. Fishing the contents of a Raspberry leaf tea bag (yes, from the dry goods cupboard) out of the tiny one's mouth and wondering whether or not it will do her any harm or just give her an incredibly toned uterus.
3. Reaching the stage of sleep deprivation where you start to wonder if any of the other mums would be up for a pre-dawn playdate. Maybe 4am could be the new 10am?
2. Watching with cold dread as the Snot Queen finally makes the almighty connection between chairs and being able to reach things that are normally out of her reach. It's official. Nowhere is Safe.
1. Looking at the clock at 7am and realizing that even though I've been up for 3 hours already, the alarm isn't set to go off for another hour.
Thanks to the lovely "working mama" for tagging me in the "Ten Favourite Things" meme which I have so callously butchered above. I in turn will be passing the buck onto these lovely, witty souls (and urging you to check them out as well!)
Livinginatoybox
Pleasetryagain
Artyfeminist
Diaryofamadmammy
veryboredincatalunya
10. Watching my daughter pull out all the wipes from the packet at 5:30 in the morning and wondering exactly how many times I can stuff them back in before it officially becomes "Disgustingly Unhygienic."
9. Taking away the wipes only to turn around and find her feeding sock raisins (yes, these would be raisins from the bottom of her sock) to her 7 month old sister.
8. Watching the Snot Queen wander about the kitchen with the "nice" i.e "not plastic" wine glasses and having a brief moment of "Oh well... if it makes her happy..." before coming to my senses and whisking them off of her, thus enduring the inevitable "BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE DANGEROUS THINGS!!!!!" Tantrum that follows.
7. Realizing that I did not in fact manage to put back all of the wipes and that the 2 year old is now feeding it to / vigorously cleaning her little sister.
6. Deciding to turn on the "In case of Emergency/mommy is waaaaaay too tired to deal with this" children's television - only to discover that it will not be on air for another 2 hours because 4am is still THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIPPIN' NIGHT!!!!!
5. Compromising with the Snot Queen that while the "Glass Jars/Fancy Wine Glass" cupboard is now off limits, the dry goods cupboard is not.
4. Fishing the contents of a Raspberry leaf tea bag (yes, from the dry goods cupboard) out of the tiny one's mouth and wondering whether or not it will do her any harm or just give her an incredibly toned uterus.
3. Reaching the stage of sleep deprivation where you start to wonder if any of the other mums would be up for a pre-dawn playdate. Maybe 4am could be the new 10am?
2. Watching with cold dread as the Snot Queen finally makes the almighty connection between chairs and being able to reach things that are normally out of her reach. It's official. Nowhere is Safe.
1. Looking at the clock at 7am and realizing that even though I've been up for 3 hours already, the alarm isn't set to go off for another hour.
Thanks to the lovely "working mama" for tagging me in the "Ten Favourite Things" meme which I have so callously butchered above. I in turn will be passing the buck onto these lovely, witty souls (and urging you to check them out as well!)
Livinginatoybox
Pleasetryagain
Artyfeminist
Diaryofamadmammy
veryboredincatalunya
Friday, January 15, 2010
Click. Flash.
The Snot Queen just walked by with her Uncle's hat pulled low over her eyes.
My dad watches her from his chair and sighs.
No no no no no.
It's her newest word. She's very good at it.
Small one is giving out on the floor. She wants in on the action.
Her dad runs over and helps her to stand.
Click.
Flash.
My dad records another moment.
uh oh. uh oh.
Another new word.
I listen as my inlaws chatter amongst themselves.
Back at work on Monday.
Mass on Sunday...
Anna Rolls over, a pack of wipes in her hands.
Click.
Flash.
Don't know how we'll get up in the morning.
Lily! Smile for Grandda!
Click Flash.
Cheese.
Small one's at the tv now.
Her sister joins her.
yeah yeah yeah.
ah haaaaa.
lots of squeals.
A kiss.
A hug.
Click.
Flash.
Will we call a taxi for the morning?
No. Use the car.
Lots of giggles.
They're eating the wipes.
They'll be the best of buddies you know.
More from the inlaws.
Getting tired.
Still have to pack.
Shall we head?
The phone rings.
The babies play.
People are coming and going.
The snot queen has discovered the crystal coasters.
She kindly shares them with her sister.
Click.
Flash.
Click.
Flash.
Another moment not to be missed.
Too many will be.
My husband's family gets up to leave.
Who wants the baby?
My father laughs.
Can we keep her?
My mother has her.
Dances her on her knee and talks to her.
Are you going on the plane tomorrow?
The baby cries.
Coats are gathered.
Voices head towards the door.
Back to the hotel.
To pack.
Get ready.
We'll see them in the morning.
I check the time.
It's late.
I still need to pack.
But I'm not ready to let go.
My dad watches her from his chair and sighs.
No no no no no.
It's her newest word. She's very good at it.
Small one is giving out on the floor. She wants in on the action.
Her dad runs over and helps her to stand.
Click.
Flash.
My dad records another moment.
uh oh. uh oh.
Another new word.
I listen as my inlaws chatter amongst themselves.
Back at work on Monday.
Mass on Sunday...
Anna Rolls over, a pack of wipes in her hands.
Click.
Flash.
Don't know how we'll get up in the morning.
Lily! Smile for Grandda!
Click Flash.
Cheese.
Small one's at the tv now.
Her sister joins her.
yeah yeah yeah.
ah haaaaa.
lots of squeals.
A kiss.
A hug.
Click.
Flash.
Will we call a taxi for the morning?
No. Use the car.
Lots of giggles.
They're eating the wipes.
They'll be the best of buddies you know.
More from the inlaws.
Getting tired.
Still have to pack.
Shall we head?
The phone rings.
The babies play.
People are coming and going.
The snot queen has discovered the crystal coasters.
She kindly shares them with her sister.
Click.
Flash.
Click.
Flash.
Another moment not to be missed.
Too many will be.
My husband's family gets up to leave.
Who wants the baby?
My father laughs.
Can we keep her?
My mother has her.
Dances her on her knee and talks to her.
Are you going on the plane tomorrow?
The baby cries.
Coats are gathered.
Voices head towards the door.
Back to the hotel.
To pack.
Get ready.
We'll see them in the morning.
I check the time.
It's late.
I still need to pack.
But I'm not ready to let go.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
P is for Permanent
I have a perm.
Apparently, when I told the stylist "Nice body wave a la Reese Witherspoon," she heard, " Great big perm a la Monica from friends that time they all went to Bermuda."
I made the appointment yesterday afternoon and stressed to the woman on the phone that what I wanted was a body wave, NOT a perm.
So far, so good.
I then proceeded to research bodywaves on the internet so that I would know EXACTLY what to expect. According to the all knowing hair experts on the information highway, my hair would be lovingly wrapped in GINORMOUS rollers, have some setting lotion placed in it and after an hour or so, I would emerge with soft Voluminous waves a la Cheryl Cole in the new L'Oreal ads.
So you can imagine my concern when my hairdresser reached back to 1993 and pulled out a drawerful of fingerwidth perm rods and started wrapping teensy tiny sections of my hair tightly enough to give me an impromptu facelift.
My fear mounted when she started saying things like, "WOW! I can't REMEMBER the last time I gave someone a PERM!!!"
or when the dusty curling rods started cracking after years of neglect...
"I guess it's because I haven't given anyone a PERM in years!"
(ummm... That's nice, but I'm not getting a perm, I'm getting a nice BODYWAVE. Remember? Reese Witherspoon? Cheryl Cole?)
When I asked her how long I could expect my new style to last, she looked at me as though I was stupid.
"Oh Maria! Don't you know that perm stands for PERMANENT?"
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP USING THAT WORD!!!!!!!!
Added to that the fact that the only other people in the salon wearing a head full of curlers similar to mine didn't have an original tooth between them and were having an avid discussion about which of their friends were still living independently and well...
Needless to say, my dreams of soft, voluminous curls did not come true. Instead, I have spent the last 24 hours coming to terms with the fact that I am the first person under the age of 100 to get a perm since the early nineties.
Anyone know where I can get a decent pair of hammer pants?
Friday, January 1, 2010
Wedding Countdown: One More Sleep...
Fun things to happen in the days leading up to your wedding:
1. Coming down with some sort of hideous, evil, chesty cold bug. You know. The kind that gives you that lovely red nosed, puffy cheeked, dead eyed look that is just oh so popular amongst brides.
2. Discovering that your children no longer require sleep and that 2am seems to be a perfectly respectable time to start up a great big game of "Squeal so loud mommy's eyeballs feel like they just might burst." Screaming fits at 5 and 6am are also hugely popular and
3. Discover that your maid of honour, ring bearer, sisters and brother are trapped in a city four hours away due to freezing rain.
1. Coming down with some sort of hideous, evil, chesty cold bug. You know. The kind that gives you that lovely red nosed, puffy cheeked, dead eyed look that is just oh so popular amongst brides.
2. Discovering that your children no longer require sleep and that 2am seems to be a perfectly respectable time to start up a great big game of "Squeal so loud mommy's eyeballs feel like they just might burst." Screaming fits at 5 and 6am are also hugely popular and
3. Discover that your maid of honour, ring bearer, sisters and brother are trapped in a city four hours away due to freezing rain.
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