There are times when I find being a mother really hard. Times like today when it's pouring down rain, the baby's screaming and there's nowhere to go. I know that she's tired but she's refusing to sleep so eventually I give in and pick her up for a cuddle. Even this is no good though as she continues to wail away. She arches towards the floor. I put her down thinking she wants to play. She screams even louder. I pick her back up. It works for all of two seconds before she is once again roaring at the top of her lungs.
I am tired. All I want is a few minutes peace to gather myself together again. I want to be able to explain this to her, to tell her that mommy is getting very close to the end of her tether and just needs a moment to find that bit of calm that I know is lurking inside somewhere but that in the midst of all this screaming is pretty hard to find.
It would be so easy to just let it rip. To scream and wail right back at her. I want to rant and rage and stomp my feet and let the entire world know how frustrated I am at this moment. It would be so easy. And for two seconds would probably feel really good. But what about after those two seconds? What happens then?
Maybe she would stop screaming, maybe the fright of mama roaring away would scare her into silence. It would be quiet. I'd have my peace. I'd have gotten what I'd wanted.
But at what cost?
Because at the end of the day, I am much bigger and stronger and louder then her and it is my responsibility to use those things to protect her, not to hurt or frighten her.
In the end, it was the ringing of the phone that ultimately distracted her for the 2 seconds it took for me to take those desperately needed deep breaths and to remember exactly how small she is and how much she needs me to be the stronger person.
I am her mother and she loves me unconditionally. She trusts me to do what is best for her. The decisions I make on a day to day basis may seem small in the short term, but in the long term will shape the person that she will one day become. It's a big responsibility and it's not always easy. The most important jobs never are.