The Sound of Silence

Simon and Garfunkel were right to be suspicious of the silence. We're not big fans of it in our house either. You'd think, being parents to a newly minted "toddler" that we'd relish the stuff, and we do - when she's sleeping. It's when she's awake and has disappeared from view that we begin to worry.

You see, it's a commonly known fact amongst parents that as irritating as a wild and noisy child can be, at least you have an idea of what they're up to. "What's that? Oh! Junior's just in with the pots and pans again... " It's when they're quiet that you start to worry....

Over the last few months, the sound of silence has meant a few different things in our house;

1. Mommy, I've gotten into the nappy bag, found the yoghurt and despite my young age have figured out how to open it (I think I may have genius tendencies) and pour it ALL over my nappy from which I am now happily eating it. With my hands.

2. Mommy! You're just in time! Did you know that you can fit FOUR rolls of toilet paper into the toilet at once?

And most recently...

3. Hey guys! I bet you were wondering why I stopped having a MASSIVE tantrum. Don't worry, all is well. I went into the cupboard and found a packet of chocolate covered hobnobs which I am now happily devouring in the sitting room whilst watching the evening news. Oh, and I couldn't work out how to get them out individually so I've really just been working off the old "shove my face in the packet and eat" method. Want some?

Nope, the sound of silence is definitely not a friend of ours. In fact, I'd tend to go more with Bjork on this one:

"it's. oh. so quiet
it's. oh. so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until..."

Ann Summers Maternity and Nursing Wear

Dear Ann Summers,
I had the pleasure of being invited to one of your parties last night and must say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Being almost 38 weeks pregnant, I particularly enjoyed perusing your maternity line which, by the way, you do not advertise heavily enough at all!!!! Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to promote a few of your more "mom friendly" items here on my blog.

1. The "Mia Babydoll, String set and Tickle Ties" was the first item which caught my eye! With it's open front design allowing room for your expanding belly, this charming number can be worn all through pregnancy and beyond! It's front tie ribbon closure is both charming and practical as it allows easy access for nursing and the ribbon tie underpants make for easy undressing in those later days of the third trimester when bending over can be so uncomfortable!

My one complaint (and this seems to be a common thread throughout your maternity wear by the way!) is that the woman modelling the outfit must only have been in the very early days of pregnancy as she was quite tiny which made it very tricky for me to identify this as "maternity wear" Perhaps in future you could use women a little further along then "the morning after?"

I must commend you though on including the "Tickle Ties," as not many outfits come with toys for the baby! These fluffly little fiends will provide hours of amusement for your small one although I wouldn't recommend leaving them to play with them unsupervised as both the feathers and ribbons offer a choking and strangulation hazard. Oh well! Points for trying:)

2."Pipa Crotchless Skirt" Now this item was a real charmer! I don't know why Mothercare hasn't brought out a line of these yet! Once again, I almost missed this little gem as a part of your maternity collection but upon closer inspection was able to distinguish it for what it was...

For those women who wish to retain a little bit of modesty and feminity while in labour, the "Pipa Crotchless Skirt" is definitely for you! With it's frilly black skirt keeping your front bits protected from prying eyes and it's attached crotchless panty allowing the doctor or Midwife easy access to your exposed vagina, you can forget about worrying over the state of your pubic area and concentrate instead on bringing your new little life into the world! What more could the discerning "Lady in Labour" wish for?

I would however suggest a small re-naming though in order to grab a larger portion of the "expecting" market. Perhaps the "Peek a Boo Modesty Maternity Skirt" would be slightly more appropriate.

3. In that same line, I also found what is perhaps one of my FAVOURITE items! The "Pipa Babydoll and string set." This nursing nightie is both stunning to behold with it's slinky black babydoll design with pink satin trim AND it's remarkably practical with it's cutaway "peek a boo" holes which completely reveal the nipple and full areola for easy infant suckling! Again, a rename may be in order, but with the proper marketing, this could easily become a best seller!

4. Regrettably, I would have to advise parents against shopping in your "Toy" section as many of your items, whilst made of child safe, medical grade rubbers and plastics, also contain small parts which could pose a choking hazard and your "edible" selections may provide hours of fun, but are entirely too high in sugar for my liking! Kudos though on the use of body parts not commonly seen in children's play items. Highly educational and extremely pioneering although again, some of the colours and sizes may not be anatomically correct representations and therefore confusing to small minds.

5. Your commitment to breastfeeding is to be applauded even if your methods are slightly misguided. The nipples will eventually toughen up by the continual suckling of your infant, additional assistance by use of nipple clamps is unecessary and may actually put the mother at a higher risk for blocked ducts and mastitis as well as causing unecessary pain and discomfort.

Your selection of nipple care products is quite extensive and while I understand that some of them may have "cross market appeal" you may want to rethink the labelling on some of your gels and lotions as their names can be quite misleading! As well, while many people may be under the impression that a baby may be enticed to drink more if mother's nipples tasted of strawberries, chocolate and pina colada, studies have shown that this is not the case. Also, the high levels of sugar in these products can have a detrimental effect on your baby's oral health.

6. I was quite charmed by the large range of products available for babies in the breech position. Studies have again shown that babies in the womb are sensitive to noises and sensations from the outside world and these vibrating wands, when placed against the tummy, will gently encourage your small one to turn into the proper birthing position, thus reducing the chances of a Cesarean Birth, the rates of which have soared in recent years! Your use of phallic design as a symbol of fertility also brings into play the male essence which was necessary in the creation of this little life and lets dad feel more a part of the process. Your "Rabbit" line is sure to give older children a giggle and let them become more involved in your pregnancy and welcoming their new little sibling to the world as well!

I'm afraid I must comment yet again though on the need for better labelling as there is a great need for such an innovative product as this and a lot of women are missing out on something which could potentially (and literally!) turn their pregnancy around.

Overall Ann, I have to commend you on your commitment to pregnant and nursing mothers and making them feel good about themselves during such an important part of their lives. However, I do feel that without proper labelling and marketing, sales in these areas are doomed to fall and threaten the viability of your entire maternity line (if it hasn't already!)

If you would like any help with this, I am more then happy to offer my skills and services and maybe together, we can "turn things around."

Sincerely,

Mammy Diaries

Reality Check

I've been such a moaner later. I've actually managed to irritate myself this last week with my feelings of "Woe is me" and general end of pregnancy crankiness. I desperately needed a knock round the side of the head and yesterday got one in the form of the loveliest text from a good friend who recently had her second child.

I had texted her with the intention of (what else?) having a quick moan about wanting the baby to get out NOW and let me get back to normal life, to being able to walk comfortably and sneeze without wetting myself etc... and so asked her how she had managed to get through the last weeks of her pregnancy. Her reply reminded me of all the good things I was forgetting about being pregnant:

1. Feeling the kicks, pokes and rolls of this small person you've never met but have grown inside of you for the last nine months. This is the last time you will experience that sort of closeness with them. Once they're out, they're everyone's, but for now it's just us...

2. Looking GORGEOUS while pregnant. I don't care how vain this sounds, but I never feel as sexy, attractive or womanly in real life as I do when I'm pregnant. Even my clothes fit better! Although that being said, it will be nice to expand my clothing options beyond "whatever stretches over the belly!"

3. The way that most people seem to love a pregnant woman and smile when they see me coming. I love the excitement that a new life gives even to perfect strangers. That and the fact that people feel obliged to be extra nice to you and let you sit down and eat loads of biscuits and such...

4. This is the last time that we will be a family of three. The time between now and the new baby's arrival is the last time that the Snot Queen will have our full, undivided attention. I think about the way our days are now structured around her and her needs. I think about our morning cuddles and lazy days spent pottering about together. That's all about to change for her and there's no way to explain it, just do our best to enjoy these last moments and hope that when the time comes, we will have the patience and time to remember that she still needs us too...

As I read her reply, I added another one silently in my head as I thought about all the couples who would love to be in our shoes but for reasons of biology or reasons unknown are unable to conceive a child or else have great difficulties in doing so. I think as well about the families who have lost children and the unbelievable pain and suffering they've had to endure.

I know how incredibly lucky and blessed we are to have our gorgeous, healthy daughter (snotty as she may be at times) and to be expecting number two any day now and if I have to wait just a little longer for that moment, then I'll grin and bear the aching joints and embarrassing "mishaps."

As a good friend of mine told me last time around, " When the fruit is ripe, it will fall."


If not, there's always castor oil...

Baby Brain (noun): A condition which begins in pregnancy, is often worsened in the early days of child rearing and continues for the rest of a woman's child bearing years. Symptoms may include but are far from limited to: feeling "foggy headed," forgetful and incapable of completing the simplest tasks. Speech and thoughts may often be incoherent and the ability to follow simple instructions greatly reduced. Condition often worsened by breast feeding, colic or infant illness. There is no known treatment or cure.

I blame it on the hormones. Pure and Simple. There is no other explanation for it. Why else would you find two heavily pregnant women and their snotty, overtired offspring (one of them, guess whose, clad in nought but a onesie and a heavily soiled t-shirt with a shitty nappy hanging to her knees and snot coating her face) gazing at a 7 foot tall locked gate discussing the best means by which to get over it.

Not my finest hour.

The day began promisingly enough. After a morning spent ransacking the local supermarket where everything was marked half price in their relocation sale, I returned home laden down with nappies, wipes and enough canned goods, washing up liquid and cereals to see us through the apocalypse. Or at least get us by the first few weeks with a new baby.

As the lovely Jen was visiting along with her daughter crazypixie, I decided to forego putting away my items in favour of simply unbagging them on the counters and leaving the organization for later.

Had a lovely afternoon spent talking and laughing over great food and a surprisingly pleasant bottle of non alcoholic wine whilst the small ones frolicked in the sun and gibbered away to each other in a language only they understood.

After a few hours though, their happy shrieks turned to tired tears as nap time approached. After several falls and an accidental kick in the face, we decided to call it a day and so packed up our dirty divas and headed inside. Jen and Crazypixie grabbed their gear and I, holding the quickly fading Snot Queen walked them out to their car to say goodbye. The little ones, upon discovering this fascinating new world known as "the front yard" got a second wind so we let them run off the last of their energy while we chatted away some more.

And that's when it happened.

My heavy, wooden, self locking front door swung shut with a bang. Which wouldn't be a problem had I the keys with me. Guess what? I didn't. No bother, the back door was open, we'd let ourselves in that way! Ummmm... good plan, if the side gate wasn't bolted and locked and the key wasn't on himself's keyring a good twenty minutes drive away.

Which brings us back to two heavily pregnant women staring silently at a 7 foot tall locked gate and wondering which of them was less likely to break the recycling bin if used as a ladder.

Luckily, one of the neighbor's was outside cleaning his driveway and when approached by two highly hormonal and heavily pregnant women bearing filthy, overtired offspring, was more then happy to grab his wife and head off to ours where we all stood gazing at the gate.

In the end, it was decided that he and not I would do a manly leap over the fence and so would enter the house from the back and let myself and the snot queen in the front door.

It wasn't until We'd said our thank you's and farewells and I'd re entered my house that I realized something. My beautiful home, which had been spotless that morning, now looked, thanks to several mountains of canned goods and nappies as well as an afternoon of laziness where the motto was "don't worry! I'll clean up later!" like it had been invaded by squatters.

My daughter, who had started the day sweet smelling, beautiful and clad in the sweetest of sundresses was now half naked (the sundress disposed of for easier romping in the back garden) with a teary, snot encrusted face and a full nappy courtesy of the giant poo she'd done whilst talking to our new hero's lovely, clean and most likely does not have a home which looks like it was invaded by squatters, wife.

So much for first impressions!

Glass of Non Alcoholic wine anyone? Make mine a double.

How I Spent my Weekend Off

I meant to be productive, I really did. I mean hey, it was my first weekend off since the Snot Queen was born and I had LOADS to get done! For starters, there were the 2000 words of scintillating brilliance I'd meant to write, thus getting me yet another step closer to setting the literary world on fire and ensuring that should worse come to worse and himself's contract not get renewed, we'd still be able to live in our dream house and not be forced to sell our kidneys on the black market.

There were also any number of small jobs I've been meaning to get around to since we've moved in (I believe I've mentioned the hygiene standards or lack thereof of the previous tenants...) There were walls to wash, ceilings to vacuum and an incredible collection of crisp packets, sweet wrappers and other miscellanaeous pieces of filth to be removed from under one of the beds (a job which frightens me to be honest.)

Instead, my weekend went a little something like this:

Day One: Saturday

2:00 pm FREEDOM BEGINS!!!!! After several hours of gentle coaxing , two men and a baby finally get on the move leaving mama bear to begin her weekend of solitary splendour.

2:01 Mama bear is slightly miffed at the lack of tears and seperation anxiety shown by the small one at what for all she knows is the start of a new life WITHOUT ME!!!!!

2:02 Think about starting work... Decide that a break is in order first and settle in to watch some really bad (yet oh so good!) American sitcoms.

Later....

Hmmmmm..... haven't I already seen that episode of scrubs? Change channel. Hmmm... This episode of two and a half men is looking strangely familiar...

It's Definitely time to get to work now.

Mmmmmm...maybe a small snooze first.

Much Later......

Oh Crap! It's 6:00pm and aside from throwing a few clothes in the wash, I've done NOTHING!!!! Should really be working on masterpiece... I'm kind of hungry though. Can't write masterpiece on an empty stomach!

Hmmm... Not in mood to do dishes. Must find food that requires little to no clean up.

6:15pm Settle in to meal of cheerios and frozen lasagne straight from the box (cooked obviously!)

6:30 Think once again about setting to work. Notice lawn is looking a little wild (re: There could be cougars slinking through it and I wouldn't be able to see them...) Think back to activities earlier in the week involving me and the neighbor's blue bin. Dumpster diving + Raggedy Lawn = “That Family” you know, the ones with the snotty nosed children and the stills out back of the house.

Must save family's honour. Book will have to wait.


8:00 Front yard finished, not too bad, a little rough in places but overall, not bad for a giant pregnant lady!

8:30 Have earned a rest. Return to Couch to discover if Britain's really got talent or just a lot of odd folk with a strange need for public humiliation. During Commercial breaks, hang clothes to dry.

Enter TV time warp.

1:00am After waaaaaaaay to much television and many, many snack size Flake bars (mmm.... tiny baby made me do it!) I stumble off to bed. On the bright side, did get a little work done when programming options dwindled to “Sexcetera” and “Porn Week 2” Miss family. Worry about robbers coming and stealing me in the night. Lock bedroom door.

4:40am wake to pee. Worry some more about robbers. Devise fool proof plan whereby should bad guys start to beat down bedroom door I run into en suite and lock myself in and call police straight away.

5:00am return to sleep

10:00 OMG!!!!! Is it seriously double digit time?!?!?!? WTF?!?!? Haven't slept like that in AGES!!!!! Feel like a new woman! Can conquer world!!!!! Must pee first however.

And eat breakfast. More Cheerios!

11:00am Put in new load of clothes to wash

!2:00 Call Mom for North American Mother's day.

1:00pm Hang out Clothes to dry. Settle in to work... Check emails, blog, etc... Oooooh! Friend from Australia online!!!!!

Even more time passes...

Much Later... Maybe just one episode of Scrubs....

Re-enter TV Time warp.

Fall Asleep.

4:30 Consider running to shop for more meals requiring no clean up.... I worry that shops may close early as it's Sunday. Dilemna...

4:45 Recieve Invite for coffee. Dilemna solved! Going for coffee then will check if shops are open.

6:30 Return home full of coffee, gossip and with two bags of shopping. Make another “meal from a box” and devour more snack size flake bars. Am starting to feel very much like a young, male student.

I decide to watch just one more show and then set down to work...

mmmmm.... weekend off very relaxing. Must make it a regular occurence... Eat more cheerios. Give house a quick tidy, take in clothes shut off devil box that is tv and.....

8:30 FINALLY settle in to work!!!!! Juices flowing! Words flowing like water!!!! I can feel the spirit move me (or else just giant sugar rush from overdose on mini flake bars...)

8:55 Hear motors in the driveway. FAMILY ARE HOME!!!!!! Run outside, grab Snot Queen for Joyous reunion, kiss himself hello and return indoors to hear all about their weekend.

Turn off computer. How can I be expected to work when I haven't seen my babies in over 24 hours?

9:00pm Life returns to normal.

I am officially ready to GET THIS BABY OUT!!!! As much as I know I've yammered on about this pregnancy flying by and wishing it would slow down so I could get a few things done, enough is enough. I am beyond ready to reclaim my body and the ability to sneeze without wetting myself and get up out of a chair without grunting.

I am looking forward to being able to walk at something more then a snail's pace (and even that is a bit of a stretch!) for more then ten minutes without having to stop and pee or else call for assistance. The thought of lying on my tummy makes me dizzy with excitement and being able to give my partner a proper hug and not just frisk him at arms distance makes me all giddy inside.

I will not miss picking out clothes based on how much they cover and wearing slip on shoes because if I bend over too far there's no guarantee I'll be able to straighten up again without the aid of a chiropractor and a can of jiffy lube.

Roll on baby! Looking forward to meeting you.

A Day Off

Oh God. I just sent my little Snot Queen off to nanny and granda's for her first mama free visit. At almost sixteen months old, it will be the longest we've ever been seperated for and if himself decides to stay overnight it will be our first night apart as well (sob.)

On the one hand, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and in desperate need of a break. Not only have I spent the better part of the last two years either pregnant or with a small child attached to my breast, butI've loads of writing to get done and rationally I know that this will be much easier achieved without the small one dogging my every move and doing her best to distract me from the laptop, a.k.a her nemesis.

I've been very lazy in this department of late (as I seem to have been in most departments for that matter.) My goal of having everything written, edited and ready to be sent out to the thousands of agents and publishers DESPERATE to get a sample of my literary genius is looking rather unlikely as the urge to write has been overtaken by the urge to stuff myself as full of refined carbohydrates as humanly possible and then sink into a sugar/pregnancy induced coma.

The thought of doing any more then the bare minimum necessary to keep myself, the small one and the household afloat is laughable. Today therefore, is my last chance before number two arrives to be baby free (ish) and accomplish as much non - house and baby related work as possible and to just relax in general and recharge the old batteries.

I had no idea how nervous I'd be sending her away though. What if she needs me? What if she wakes in the middle of the night (okay, this part I'm not actually too concerned about as I will be sleeping soundly for the first time in almost two years and daddy dearest will be on night watch. heh heh!) Will she miss me terribly?

Well, so far at least, it appears I needn't have worried as the second the door opened she was off like a shot and ignored my outstretched arms in favour of toddling up the drive to the car where she happily settled in without even a token protest. As they pulled out onto the road, there was no look of confusion and despair at my absence in the front seat. Instead, with a smile and a big blown kiss, she was off. Traitor.