Wednesday, June 23, 2010

London Calling!

A trip?

A trip to LONDON?

A trip to London TRAVEL EXPENSES PAID?!?!?!?

A trip to London, travel expenses paid, with the chance of a free meal and SPA TREATMENTS?!?!?!?

Oh. My. God.

Yes dear readers, the good folk at Reebok have seen the great potential which lies within my dear sweet self and wish to whisk me away to London this weekend.

In my mind, I've already imagined the endless number of life changing scenarios which could arise. This one is my favourite;

Scenario A: The one in which I replace Kelly Brook..

The scene: A sports field in London. Hundreds of women in Reebok Gear are milling about. I stand on my own, a cheerful smile on my face. The head of Reebok approaches me. We make small talk and then he gets to the heart of the matter...

H.O.R: Kelly Brook isn't working out.

Me: What? But that's impossible!!! WTF? How the hell did she get an arse like that without working out?!?!?!? this is SOOOOOOOOO not fair!

H.O.R: No! No no no!!!! Of course she works out! Never leaves the gym in fact, except to do our ads! It isn't humanly possible to look like her and still have a life! What I mean is that her ad campaign isn't working out!

Me: Oooooh! Okay, that makes more sense...

H.O.R: (continuing on) She's just too damn perfect! It isn't realistic, no one in their right mind could ever expect to look like her simply by wearing a new pair of trainers...

(Stops. Stares at me. Points rather rudely.)

You! What size are you?

Me: About a 12?

H.O.R: You got kids?

Me: I do. Two.

H.O.R: Stretchmarks?

Me: Oh yes! Well, a few small ones anyway...

H.O.R: That frizz in your hair, is it Natural?

Me: Unfortunately yes...

H.O.R: You eat biscuits?

Me: Of course!

H.O.R: (Ignores me, keeps on talking.) ...hmmm....bit of junk in the trunk... no real sense of style... YOU'RE HIRED!

Me: Huh?

H.O.R: You're just what we need! Someone real, someone flawed, someone with a little jiggle in her wiggle... NO ONE can look like Kelly Brook, but ANYONE could look like you! Hell, even I could look like you! Young lady, how would you like to be the new face of Reebok?

Me: Okay!

H.O.R: Excellent! sign here, your truckload of money will be delivered in the morning. Thank you for saving my company! Now, would you like to join me for a celebratory lunch on my yacht?

End Scene.

Alas, I will not be meeting the Head of Reebok in London for life changing scenario A this weekend. In fact, I will be nowhere near London this weekend.

No London.

No free Travel.

No free meal.

No complimentary spa treatments.

Why, you ask?

IT's simple really. Mid way through writing my hyper excited acceptance letter to the good folk at Reebok, I remembered something.

My passport expired three months ago.

This alone was not enough to stop me and I immediately set about harassing the staff at the Canadian Embassy who were extremely accomodating and agreed that yes, a free trip to London was indeed a valid reason to get a temporary passport.

Unfortunately, this would involve an overnight trip to Dublin complete with hotel, passport costs, fuel costs, food, etc...

Not even I could justify this one.

Oh well! at least it's a kick to get my passport sorted!


  1. Oh no! I had to pass on the Pampers trip to Germany because I was registering Marie into her new school that day. The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes. Argghhh, I hate it when that happens!

  2. Noooooooooo, no no no no no *sobs* (on your behalf). What horrible horrible luck but something reeeeeallly good will happen to you instead of it...........something even better than scenario A.......

  3. Oh God no! That is just cruel, raising your hopes like that and then dashing them down again. Not fair!

  4. seriously, you were offered this??? What was their reason??!!! And how could you not wangle expenses via Dublin....:(

  5. So disappointing for you, but hopefully you'll get offered something even better next time :) Reminds me of the day my lotto numbers came up (well 5 of them) .... and then I remembered that I hadn't played that day ... I never played lotto again.

  6. I felt I was right there with you watching you
    sign the new contract for being a real person
    with a few flaws. Unfortunately one of those
    flaws was no passport. How will you ever come
    visit me with no passport?????????????? Love you and love your writings.

  7. OMG - I can't believe it - renew your passport woman!!!