It is four in the morning on Christmas Eve.
And no, before you ask, it is not the excitement of the season that has me up at this ungodly hour when I should be nestled all snug in my bed, with visions of sugarplums (Maltesers?) dancing in my head.
No. It is a certain unruly toddler who has discovered giant, Snot Queen size loopholes in the "Sleeping whilst at Nanny and Grandad's" section of the "Modifications on Daily Rules and Regulations whilst on Holidays in Canada" manual.
Namely, that mommy and daddy will do almost anything to keep her from waking the entire household, including (brace yourselves all ye "good parents" out there whose ranks we strive to one day join) letting her out of bed to roam the house instead of braving the tantrums and making her stay in our room.
It was either that or give into our baser instincts and set her free in the wild to fend for herself.
Seriously though, what do you do?
I'm at my wit's end. There are only so many sleepless nights you can endure before spiking their drinks with a hefty dose of vodka starts to seem like the way forward.
Because you see, it's not just the snot Queen who has been availing of our new night time opening hours. Tiny one as well, has spent the last few nights discovering the perks of "Life after Dark." In fact, tonight is the first night this week that she's slept through, which only makes this sudden wakening of her older sister that much harder to handle.
What's even more ridiculous are the strange bastardized rules you come up with in the wee small hours to convince yourself that yes, you still have some control over the situation.
For example: You may only wander about in the upstairs sitting room and not the identical one downstairs because somehow, in my sleep deprived mind, if I let you downstairs, I am "giving in." So long as we remain in the fun free sanctum of the upstairs, I am still a "good mother."
Example Two: Okay, we will go downstairs, but you cannot, must not, under any circumstances turn on the tv or do anything that may otherwise be construed as having fun in case it starts a horrible pattern of middle of the night wakings which I will then have to spend the rest of the holiday fixing.
Example three: No cuddling in case, like the aforementioned tv/fun ban, it starts a horrible pattern of middle of the night wakings which I will then have to spend the rest of the holiday fixing.
Example four: Okay, we can cuddle, I'm not a monster, but seriously, could we at least pretend that I am the parent here and that I have some input into what goes on?
The inmates are indeed running the asylum.
Happy holidays (yawn.)