In for a Penny, in for a Pound (and a half!) of poo

Why is everything coming out underlined? Seriously, is the universe just testing my patience today? The last 24 hours have been something akin to hell, some strange "mammy hazing ritual" which every mammy must undergo following the birth of each of her children (as though being split apart by labour and delivery wasn't challenging enough!)

Nope! Instead, the powers that be have decreed we must suffer an additional testing phase to ensure that we really are worthy of being mothers. (oooh! the underlining has stopped! yay!) A period of suffering defined by niceties such as stretchmarks, hemmorhoids, teething, gas, hair loss and other fun times which further underline my belief that whatever divine power might be watching out for us is indisputably male...

The Snot Queen is teething. Again. (cue menacing music) This time though, is different. This time, not only do we have the usual suspects - pain, fever, agony and long periods of hellish, unabated screaming during the hours most people consider to be "sleeping hours" - we also have a new guest at the table. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce "Baby Number Two."

As if teething wasn't bad enough on it's own, last night, my normally placid, chilled out newborn came down with a lovely case of wind. This meant that everytime the snot queen settled into a temporary peace, instead of managing to grab a few precious minutes of sleep, I would have to roll over and tend to the squawking, red bundle of trapped wind and resentment that was masquerading as baby number two.

By 4am my vocabulary had been reduced to repeating a certain four letter word (starts with f, rhymes with duck, has an amazing number of uses!) at various volumes as a mantra of sorts, in an effort not to throw either of my lovely ducklings out the window.

At 6am, the big one's fever broke and satan released his grip on the small one. For the next few hours, we slept.

When I awoke, I discovered the snot queen had created the kind of nappy that can only be described as toxic and which over the course of the night had leaked out the sides and run down her legs to form a lovely brown pool on the sheets (which then soaked through to the mattress below) A nappy which out of sheer curiosity was placed on the scales and found to be weighing in at a pound and a half.

On the bright side, I've recieved my first ever blogger award (Thanks Jen!) Which I in turn will be passing on to some other deserving blogs including two battle scarred veterans of the sisterhood ( infantasia and living in a toybox who really needs to sort her comments setting!) and two little innocents about to bravely enter the pukey, pooey world of parenting, yup, that's right, xbox4nappyrash and wannabe dad. Congratulations guys, it's a messy, mad and at times heartbreaking world, but it is the greatest gift you will ever be given (and no, I'm not talking about the blog award, though that's pretty sweet too!)

Right, I'm off to clean the poo out of my mattress. Have a great day!

Made for Loving You

Oh Yay!!!!! I've been tagged! Soooo exciting (also very sad that I am taking this as a sign that yes, I am liked and therefore valid as a person as opposed to being one of the 5 or so people that someone had to send this to in order to avoid eternal damnation.) Anyhoooooo....... This was started by an American Mom in (you guessed it!) America, and I forget most of the details except that I have to write 5 things I like about being a mom.

Actually, I think it may be my 5 favourite things but I'm going to say 5 things I love as I will invariably forget something incredibly important and instead blather on about how I love being able to sit at my kitchen table at 10:30 in the morning wearing what has to be the most sexless, granny style nightgown, my boyfriend's slippers and thick black socks whilst I pore out my inner most thoughts to blog world and my small one potters about ...

5. The ridiculous, all encompassing love she has for us and we have for her. It eclipses everything else in the world. Having a baby is as close as you will ever come to having your own personal cheerleading squad/fan club rolled into one. When her daddy comes home from work at the end of the day, the squeals of sheer joy that erupt from her are unreal. Her hero has returned and she could not be more impressed.

No matter what tragedy occurs in her little world, she trusts that we can make it better and I hope to god that doesn't change anytime soon. There is something so amazing about that sort of innocence.

4. One small step for the snot queen... ONE GIANT LEAP FOR ALL OF HUMANITY!!!!!! I find it incredible that each little baby seems to have their very own internal clock that tells them when it's time to go and learn a new skill. As much as you'd love to be able to teach them to crawl, walk, roll over and hit every other milestone with perfect timing, when it comes to learning new skills, each little baby has their own idea of when is the "perfect" time.

When the snot queen was 11 months old and happy to sit like a lump on a log whilst all the other babies crawled, shuffled or walked on by, I may or may not have resorted to some pretty unorthodox (and some may say questionable) methods to try and "enhance" her mobility skills. These methods may or may not have involved a harness and couple of water bottles and there may or may not be photographic evidence of my endeavors.... The one thing that is clear is that no amount of pushing (or pulling) on my part was going to get that baby to crawl before she was good and ready.

Sure enough, a few days before Christmas, she up and crawled across the floor. No ropes, pulleys or levers necessary:)

Just last night she had me in tears as she took off on her first long haul voyage and walked the length of the kitchen herself and then took off into the hallway en route to the sitting room. Again, there was no warning, she just looked at me as if to say "check this out!" and of she went. Unreal.

3. OMG!!!! EVERYTHING IS SO EXCITING!!!!! Is that a piece of CARDBOARD? WOW! Is that a roll of TOILET ROLL?!?!?!? HOLY COW! Are we going OUTSIDE?!?!?!? HALLELUJAH!

Seriously, anyone who has ever spent anytime around small children will know what I'm talking about. The incredible curiosity, joy and enthusiasm with which they greet EVERYTHING in life. At risk of sounding cheesy, it really does open your eyes to a whole new world and makes your own world new again.

Of course, the flip side of this is the complete and utter soul destroying agony they feel when things don't go their way... "OMG!!!! IT'S TERRIBLE!!!! WHY CAN'T I PLAY WITH THE KNIVES?!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEEEEAAAANNNNNN?!?!?!?!? CAN'T YOU SEE I WAS HAVING FUN?!?!?!?!?!?"

2. Learning what's truly important in life. It has nothing to do with what you're wearing, where you work or even... (gasp!) how much you weigh. There is no job on earth, no amount of money or chocolate that could ever come close to the undescribably powerful, primal and overwhelming love that rolls over you when two sticky hands plant themselves on your cheeks and pull you down for the wettest, snottiest kiss known to man.

1. The realization that THIS is what I was made for. This is my destiny. Every part of me, from tip to toe and everywhere in between was designed to create, nurture, love and protect the child I have born and any future children I may have.

My breasts, which have been everything from a source of embarrassment (they're MASSIVE) to a source of pride (They're hot) are now a source of food. I used to look at my baby in the days before meat and veg entered her world and was constantly amazed at how big she'd grown and how well she was thriving, all on MY milk. And that's not even taking into consideration all of the other ridiculous benefits of breastfeeding of which I could yammer on about for days!

My arms, always there, always doing something. I never really gave them much thought except that I wanted them to maybe be a bit more toned. Not mannish like Madonna's or anything, just maybe a little sleeker and more defined. I had no idea how much comfort they offered until I had a baby. Now they are a place to run, they are encouragement as she takes her first steps and they are somewhere to rest when she takes a tumble or just needs a cuddle.

For the record, they are also sleeker and more defined then ever thanks to lugging around a 23 lb toddler!

In life pre - Snot Queen, my belly was never flat enough. It needed to be hidden (or so I thought) and flattened and tightened by hours of pointless excercises. It needed to be deprived of food and made smaller.

Oh how the mighty have fallen...


I am currently 6 weeks away from giving birth to number two and never have I felt sexier, more confident or as comfortable in my own skin.

On my first pregnancy, my waist expanded from 28 to 44 inches and I have never been so proud of any body part. I flaunted it like you wouldn't believe! There are pics of me in a bikini swanning around at 7 months gone and the smile on my face is almost as ginormous as my belly!


Even after she was born, I never really did go back to that all encompassing obsession with obtaining the perfect physique...

As it turns out out, I already have it.

Baby, I was made for you.

Incredible Employment Oppurtunity

It's great to know that even in the middle of a recession, some jobs are always open:

Position Available: The successful candidate needn't have any prior experience, but a willingness to learn and the ability to think outside the box would definitely come in handy! Patience is a must as your boss can be quite demanding at times and will expect your complete and utter devotion.

You will be expected to fill a variety of roles, including, but definitely not limited to the following;
Chef, entertainer, chaffeur, (verrrrrry) personal assistant, groomer, stylist, housekeeper, nurse, teacher and general dogsbody. The ability to kiss it better is essential.

The hours are long. In fact, you can expect to be on call 24/7 and in the early days, most of those 24 hours will definitely be required. You will learn to function on little to no sleep and will become accustomed to being covered in someone else's bodily fluids.

There are days when you will have neither the time nor the inclination to shower and /or dress and when you do get around to it you will have to ensure that your boss is safely stowed and entertained for the thirty seconds you will most likely be allotted to rinse yourself off.

Your breaks will depend on if and when the boss takes a nap.

At this point in time, the position is for the most part largely unpaid, unless of course you count smiles and laughs and sticky faced kisses as currency. However, if hired, the job is yours for life and comes with an incredible benefit package including (but not limited to) the unconditional love and devotion of your boss and the type of job satisfaction for which there are no words.

Happy Mother's Day.