Take it all off baby...

The snot queen has hit yet another developmental milestone. She can now take her nappy off ALL BY HERSELF. After much experimentation involving pulling of the velcro tabs and picking at the nappy itself, she has finally mastered the art of its full removal and like with every other new skill she develops, she is insisting on doing it again and again and again...

As she has long since had a deep fascination with foraging in this area, you can imagine how thrilled she is to finally be able to get a visual of the contents. Almost as thrilled as I was to find her examining said contents on the sitting room floor this morning.

I'll give you a moment to let that visual sink in.

Toilet training just got a whole lot closer...

My name is...

Oh God. I. Am. Mortified. Well, I was anyway. I've kind of gotten over it now so I suppose that for the sake of grammatical, political and all other types of correctness, I should really change that to " I WAS mortified."

A bit of background. About 6 months ago, myself and 3 other cash strapped mamas decided to split the extortionate cost of a year's membership to the local wildlife preserve. Now, while it clearly states on their website that this sort of behaviour is against the rules, they don't actually do much to enforce it. They don't put your pic on the card or anything and and when you go there, all you do is sign a clipboard and BOOM! you're in. To quote just about every teenager who ever walked the planet, "Everybody's doin' it"

And to quote my mother, "You're not everybody."

And therein lies the problem...

You see, I couldn't remember whether or not I was one of the official cardholders. HOWEVER, I did know that my friend "C" was, so on the off chance we were stopped at the gate, I'd just say that I was her. Not that it would come to that of course, after all no one EVER gets stopped at the gate...

We got stopped at the gate.

There were two checkpoints. One of them was being manned by your average, run of the mill "I'm not paid enough to care" employee. This line up was moving at a rapid pace as one by one, customers either paid the equivalent of a week's groceries for their family's animal viewing pleasure or else flashed their cards, signed the clipboard and waltzed off happily to watch cheetahs maul a poor dead rabbit before grabbing a bite to eat.

Meanwhile, over at border patrol... I mean, the other checkpoint, things were moving considerably slower as one by one, would be patrons were interrogated by a grim faced guard who I'm pretty sure was sourced directly from immigration and who, from the looks of things, took her job very seriously.

Guess which checkpoint we ended up at...

I flashed my card and my brightest "Just another Yummy Mummy out for the day with the family! Nothing illegal going on here!" smile and looked hopefully at the clipboard.

She narrowed her eyes.

"Last Name?"

Dammit. I took a deep breath and looked her straight in the eye as I gave her my fake last name.

She looked me up and down and then past me to himself who had refused to wear his summer jacket on the grounds that the sleeve was dirty and instead had insisted on wearing his winter coat, complete with fur lining despite the temperature being in the high teens. ummm... yeah. Not dodgy at all.

"Spell it." WHAT?!?!?

I rattled off the letters of my new last name with what I hoped was the boredom of someone who had been spelling the name for years. I again looked expectantly towards the clipboard.

"First Initial?"

A hint of indignation entered my voice. How DARE she question my identity! How did she know I wasn't who I said I was? I wasn't of course, but she didn't know that! Well, not for certain anyways, she apparently had very strong suspicions.

"C!"

"Full name as written on card?"

I gave my fake name and tried to keep the panic from showing in my voice. SURELY this was it! The people behind us were growing restless and you could almost see their ears straining forwards to hear what was going on. Would she not just grab the damn clip board already?!?!?!?
What else did she want to know? My date of Birth? My PPS Number? My favourite freakin' colour?

"And your address? "

Shit. My address.

"ummm.... I um... "

Desperately, I racked my brain, trying to remember "C"'s address.

"You see, it's just that we only just moved in..."

Oh my god! Were we about to get turfed from the park? Were they going to revoke our card?!?!?

THINK WOMAN!!!! THINK!!!! Wait! Wasn't there something about a bird? A crow or a.. a RAVEN! Yes that's it! Something about a raven!

"Raven something or other!" I exclaimed wildly, not sounding crazy in the slightest, " Yes that's it! Isn't it? Raven something! It's the first roundabout after the petrol station you see, you take a left and..."

She cut me off before I could give her explicit directions to "C's" front door and invite her in for tea. Her voice was patronizing as she explained the terms and conditions of using the season's pass and how only the cardholders "C" and Miss M....

WAIT A SECOND!!!!! Miss. M! THAT'S ME!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! I AM ON THE CARD AFTER ALL!!!!!!

I adopted my best "between us girls" voice and leaned forward into the opening in the glass partition. My voice, I hoped, was suitably apologetic as I explained the situation and how I was only pretending to be "C" as I couldn't remember if I was on the card or not. I then proceeded to give my own address (the wrong one it turns out as we had in fact moved since getting the card) and various other unasked for and possibly too personal, details of my life.

Somewhere during my mindless rantings, right, I believe after volunteering to show her my id, the clipboard was placed in front of me. I signed my name and shamefacedly ushered my sorry looking crew through the gates.

Thankfully, she hadn't taken me up on my offer to show her my id. As it turns out, I'd left my wallet at home.

An Oldie But Goodie...

Whilst procrastinating doing any "real" work the other day, I came across this essay I wrote many, many moons ago at the tender age of fifteen. I was wise beyond my years...

Forever and Ever, A-Man

God is a man. After years of careful study and musch observation, I have come to believe that yes, our maker is indeed a member of that braindead, incoherant, ignorant species which has deemed itself superior. Why, you may ask? I'll give you three reasons: Pantyhose, PMS and Underwires.

Honestly, would any sane, self respecting woman, if given a choice,inflict such pain and emotional turmoil on her own species as PMS? I think not. IF men were subjected to just one gut wrenching, stomach bursting, excrutiatingly painful cramp, it wouldn't be long before menstrual leave days were put into place and made law.

How about pantyhose? I would love to meet the genious who thought those up. Sheer pieces of nylon used to slim, trim and shape every inch of the female anatomy, all for the visual pleasure of males. Siskel and Ebert give them two thumbs up. Thelma and Louise? Don't even go there. In my humble opinion, pantyhose are the number one cause of female stress. One small hitch and bang! Ladders up the leg! Do men have to worry about htis phenomenom? I don't think so.

For my final point, I'm dragging out the heavy artillery; the brassiere. When Christ said “My cups runneth over,” he didn't know what he was talking about! To me it makes no sense whatsoever. Why is it that the most sensitive area of the female body has been pushed, pulled, prodded, injected with silicon, deflated and to my chagrin, surrounded with wire? Please! The day that men walk around in jocks lined with barbed wire is the day I will think about offering debate as to the sex of the lord on high. A-Man.

Naps and Neighbors and Noise, OH MY!

So there I was. The small one had just gone down for a nap which, if you believe what all the books say, meant a good 3 - 4 hours of slumber on her part. However, if you actually have children, you will know this to be a BIG FAT LIE which none the less will torment you until well after your kids are grown and gone.

By some strange cosmic twist, the snot queen then curled up and dozed off in my lap. Could it be? Could it really be? Could BOTH of my little angels be sleeping AT THE SAME TIME?

Not wanting to tempt fate further, I carefully stood up and made my way upstairs. Miraculously, the snot queen remained comatose. We made our way to the bedroom. Still, she slept.

As I gently lay her down on the bed, she stirred slightly, which would have been grand had it not been for three other simultaneous occurences.

1. Someone's house alarm started going off. Loudly.

2. The neighbor's children escaped outside into the rain for 5 minutes of shrieking and screaming. Loudly.

3. The neighbor's on the OTHER side started up some sort of insane DIY project which apparently involved mindlessly hammering on every single adjoining wall we share.

Like a shot, little miss was up and running, all thoughts of sleep firmly vanquished. Downstairs, the small one woke from her twenty minute doze and the tiny string that was oh so slightly holding onto my sanity snapped.

Why does the Universe dislike me so?

Fun in the Sun

I was feeling motivated today. I don't know why. Maybe because for the last couple of nights the terrible twosome have called a ceasefire on the all night dance parties they've become so fond of as of late and I actually got a semi decent's night sleep!

No matter the reason, I awoke feeling almost human and looked outside to see a blazing blue sky. I immediately became suspicious and marched to the window, glancing left and right for the giant black rain clouds I knew must be hiding somewhere.

Nothing. A few puffy white ones, but no hideous harbingers of stormy Irish gloom.

Still not convinced, I marched to the back of the house and stared out those windows. Again, I looked left and right. Again, I saw nothing but a few more puffy whites dotting the blue, blue sky.

Within minutes, I had a load of laundry on the the line and another on to wash, both girls were cleaned, fed, dressed, strapped into the buggy and we were halfway across town. No destination and no reason other then the fact that mother nature was obviously having a senior moment and we were getting the weather meant for a nicer, more attractive and infinitely more deserving country.

We had to take advantage before she realized her mistake.

We walked and walked and walked and the tiny one slept and slept and slept. The snot queen still had an hour or so of madness in her to burn off so it was off to monkey maze where she played and played and played until her eyes were dropping out of her head. By the time we left the parking lot she was down for the count. Success.

So charged with energy was I from the sun, the excercise and the fresh air, that upon our arrival home I scrubbed out the bathroom and the utility room and got a start on the kitchen and supper whilst the Snot Queen went out back to search for stones.

Even when the thunder rolled and the dark clouds eventually did move in, I didn't mind. We'd enjoyed the break in the weather while it lasted. Besides which, I'd managed to get the clothes in off the line before the rains came.

Hope you all had a lovely day as well:)

Wordless Wednesday... Sisters

Of Mice and Monkeys...

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I mean hey, we had been indoors all day, it was lashing rain, the Snot Queen had decided that naps were sooooo last week and was doing her best to injure herself on any and all hard surfaces in our home and himself had yet to get dressed which meant that we had to keep the blinds closed and live like moles (or teenage boys) lest the neighbors catch a glimpse of his skivvies.

Enter Monkey Maze. "Europe's largest indoor activity centre for kids..." On a Sunday. A rainy Sunday. Do you see what I'm getting at here?

The place was chaos. Apparently, we weren't the only ones to have this brainstorm. It was mob rule for the under 10's. We headed for the toddler area and set the Snot Queen free to wreak havoc with her peers.

Over the course of the next hour all of my emotions were pushed to the limit. Exasperation as the Snot Queen escaped the baby enclosure and made a break for the "big kids" area for the umpteenth time, Rage, as three boys who were most definitely NOT 1 - 4 years invaded the toddler zone and knocked her over (only a desire to not end up in court kept me from kicking all of their asses)Panic, as I lost sight of her temporarily in the ball pit and extreme pride as my baby managed to climb the stairs to the slide ALL BY HERSELF, a task she'd been too small for a mere 5 weeks ago.

By the time we left, myself and himself were wrecked. The Snot Queen was still going strong and tiny one, bless her, had slept through the entire visit despite having had her eyes and nose vigorously investigated by a passing toddler.

Next week, I think we'll just stay home.